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Jimmy Widdles • Dec 20, 2023
Secret Service speaks out on President Biden’s recent win
Cover up after Secret Service lost Biden
Washington, D.C.
Written by: Widdles
Spokespeople for the Secret Service lavished President Biden with praise for his uncanny ability to elude his contemporaries during an impromptu summit at Camp David over the weekend.
Several world leaders met at Camp David to discuss the relationship between Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift, and the effects it is having on the international socio economic landscape. Though no details were given on the incredibly impactful meeting, some interesting tid-bits have been leaked. For instance Vladimer Putin and Emmanuel Macron were able to find some common ground with their mutual gluten allergies and love for three-toed sloth Tic-Toc videos. Macron gushed, “Maybe he’s not so bad. I’ll pause before condemning his violations of the Geneva Convention, because C’MON!! Who could love an adorable, slow, clumsy sloth then turn around and commit genocide??”
However, perhaps the biggest surprise was the apparent domination by the U.S. President in a high stakes game of hide and seek, according to U.S. officials.
Secret Service Spokesperson Ali-Ashar Goldstein addressed reporters outside of Rand’s Manakeesh & Lox Deli, “President Biden was able to elude not only every single world leader on-site, he also vanished from us for a period of time. I knew he was a top-notch statesman, but I had no idea he could hide better than Yeti himself.” Goldstein added that The President was off the grid for more than two hours.
When pressed by reporters on how the very organization charged with not letting POTUS out of their sight was so easily duped, Goldstein quickly replied,”he’s deceptively quick!” That statement garnered laughter from the entire gaggle of journalists to which the spokesperson responded, “Shut up!” then promptly ended the presser.
Like any competitive event, this one isn't free from controversy. Every other world leader and their staffs claim that the Secret Service simply fell asleep at the wheel. Angela Merkel, whom the President oddly invited personally and kept referring to as Chancellor, even though she stepped down in 2018, told her bridge club that there was no hide & seek game that she was aware of. She claimed she stumbled across The President standing in an interior hallway talking to a ficus tree about interest rates.
Before boarding Air Force One a reporter asked President Biden about the incident. POTUS responded with his trademark grin and said, “Look! I have thumbs, happy day and cranberries!”
A Crittenden Co woman was rushed to the hospital early Tuesday morning after being struck by a freight train during an interview with a local tv station. Edith Elaine Elderberry was “hunkered down in the ‘holler” when a tornado ripped through the Crittendon Co countryside late Monday evening. The tornado caused extensive damage to one tractor and several mobile meth labs, according to county officials. State officials estimate the dollar amount of damages to be upwards of $83. News 4 Camera man Virgil “Shaky Hands” McGirk was filming Ms. Elderberry’s interview at the time of the incident. “It was horrific!” stated Shaky Hands. “I didn’t actually see the whole thing, because I was zooming in on her Pall Mall for a dramatic effect.” “In hindsight, I un-subconsciously knew something was amiss, because I remember thinking ‘man, she's making that freight train sound pretty good for just using her mouth and a spit-cup,’” Shaky continued, “next thing I knew, POOF!! She was gone. It happened so fast, that her stogie just hung in the air for a split second. Probably going to add it to my demo reel. It was reeeeaaaal nice, kinda ‘film noir’ if ya know what I mean.” RC Times reached out to her surgeon Dr. Kay Vorkien. “Who is this? RC what? Ah, anyway, Ms. Elderberry is in critical condition, but is expected to make a full recovery. Apparently her fur lined moo-moo gown and steel-toed house shoes protected her on impact”
In the wake of a boom in the birth rate resulting from the COVID-19 lockdown, many families have run into an all too familiar and terrifying phenomenon. Ugly babies. Though the ratio of ugly babies to aesthetically pleasing babies didn’t see a palpable change, the sheer volume of less than attractive newborns naturally increased with the overall number of births. Some proactive parents aren’t taking the situation lying down. Though other historic options such as Little Liposuction and Fetal Face Lifts are still viable options, they can prove pricey, dangerous, and even cause other appearance defects. For instance, no one wants a baby that looks malnourished or constantly surprised. All too often children that undergo these procedures become addicted, which also is reason for alarm. That’s where the dedicated staff at Damn That’s an Ugly Baby Institute, LLC come in. Using a “no tears” Botox formula, cringe-worthy children can poop themselves at daycare with dignity and confidence. Dr. Milton Minekaka has perfected the non-invasive technique to the point that some call him the “Preemie Picasso.” Having spent years at the southern border painstakingly perfecting his approach with countless tests, he’s giving sub-par babies a second chance. “Am I a hero? Yes.” Dr. Minekaka humbly admits. “That’s irrelevant, though. We are just wanting to save families the embarrassment of going to dinner with a baby that looks like Martin Short.” To find out more about the DTUBI talk to your pediatrician, your hideous baby will thank you.