Spokespeople for the Secret Service lavished President Biden with praise for his uncanny ability to elude his contemporaries during an impromptu summit at Camp David over the weekend.
A Crittenden Co woman was rushed to the hospital early Tuesday morning after being struck by a freight train during an interview with a local tv station. Edith Elaine Elderberry was “hunkered down in the ‘holler” when a tornado ripped through the Crittendon Co countryside late Monday evening. The tornado caused extensive damage to one tractor and several mobile meth labs, according to county officials. State officials estimate the dollar amount of damages to be upwards of $83. News 4 Camera man Virgil “Shaky Hands” McGirk was filming Ms. Elderberry’s interview at the time of the incident. “It was horrific!” stated Shaky Hands. “I didn’t actually see the whole thing, because I was zooming in on her Pall Mall for a dramatic effect.” “In hindsight, I un-subconsciously knew something was amiss, because I remember thinking ‘man, she's making that freight train sound pretty good for just using her mouth and a spit-cup,’” Shaky continued, “next thing I knew, POOF!! She was gone. It happened so fast, that her stogie just hung in the air for a split second. Probably going to add it to my demo reel. It was reeeeaaaal nice, kinda ‘film noir’ if ya know what I mean.” RC Times reached out to her surgeon Dr. Kay Vorkien. “Who is this? RC what? Ah, anyway, Ms. Elderberry is in critical condition, but is expected to make a full recovery. Apparently her fur lined moo-moo gown and steel-toed house shoes protected her on impact”
In the wake of a boom in the birth rate resulting from the COVID-19 lockdown, many families have run into an all too familiar and terrifying phenomenon. Ugly babies. Though the ratio of ugly babies to aesthetically pleasing babies didn’t see a palpable change, the sheer volume of less than attractive newborns naturally increased with the overall number of births. Some proactive parents aren’t taking the situation lying down. Though other historic options such as Little Liposuction and Fetal Face Lifts are still viable options, they can prove pricey, dangerous, and even cause other appearance defects. For instance, no one wants a baby that looks malnourished or constantly surprised. All too often children that undergo these procedures become addicted, which also is reason for alarm. That’s where the dedicated staff at Damn That’s an Ugly Baby Institute, LLC come in. Using a “no tears” Botox formula, cringe-worthy children can poop themselves at daycare with dignity and confidence. Dr. Milton Minekaka has perfected the non-invasive technique to the point that some call him the “Preemie Picasso.” Having spent years at the southern border painstakingly perfecting his approach with countless tests, he’s giving sub-par babies a second chance. “Am I a hero? Yes.” Dr. Minekaka humbly admits. “That’s irrelevant, though. We are just wanting to save families the embarrassment of going to dinner with a baby that looks like Martin Short.” To find out more about the DTUBI talk to your pediatrician, your hideous baby will thank you.